Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
