look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
