Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
