I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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