I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
