Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize