So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
