If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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