So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
