Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
