My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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