My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize