UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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