She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
