Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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