I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
