What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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