the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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