So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
