Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
