rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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