I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
...so i touched it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
