at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
