whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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