Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
