I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
