dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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