He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
