I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize