So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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