I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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