I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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