One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's never too late to be topless.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
