shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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