I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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