she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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