Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This baby is an asshole
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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