I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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