Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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