he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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