if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize