...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
