he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
