taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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