Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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