I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
