remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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