I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
