My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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