someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
