Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
