my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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