I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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