nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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