Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
