Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
