The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
