He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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