Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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