i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
