she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
