I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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