I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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