im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
